Lessons from my internship in a childrens’ hospice — what leaders can learn from life and death

Beyond transactional — a spiritual approach to leadership

Whatever I believed to be normal got questioned, when I worked as an intern and student worker in a childrens’ hospice in my early 20ies. The project was about co-creating ethical principles with the nurses, and help the company with this value set to zoom out, when decisions had to be made. A reflection baseline, when things are about life and death. A safe space for discussions. This sounds challenging for a 20 year-old student. It was. And it was not. It changed my life and my perspective. It was an experience, I am incredible grateful for.

I was scared before my 1st day. I was scared that I would start to cry while visiting the children together with the nurses. I thought I am not ready for this experience. But something inside of my told me, I want to understand how the people work and what they need. I want to support their work, since I found it so impressive what they where doing every day. Somehow, today it seems to me like I felt ready to learn something about life and death. The theories we make in our minds might work for research and teaching. But what is going out there, what do people really need? How does our work contribute to support the ones, who need a strong base to rely on in an environment, where everything can turn our around for human beings every single second?

I remember the nurse picking me up and taking me with her to the visits of her patients. Today I can see, she wasn’t scared of putting me into the middle of it. But I felt safe at her side. That is what I adopted when I work with people I am responsible for. I don’t hide difficult stuff. But know I have also a responsibility for their safety. When they feel safe, or department can beat every challenge. We visited a little boy, 9 months, eyes closed. She asked me not to touch him and stay a bit apart. The reason hasn’t been to cover the risk for infection. The reason was, he got nervous when a stranger comes in. He could, even he was in a coma, notice strangers. We could see it only in the heartrate going up, when she got closer, but he calmed down obviously as soon as he recognized her. She told me what happened to him. A shaken impact syndrom, with a trauma, where he will never wake up from again.

To understand how sensitive we as human beings are, even when you could assume, there is no more reaction to stimulus, and that there is a magic bond between us as human beings, more than we can explain, taught me, how precious it is to listen to our intuition. We can’t see it maybe. But we can feel what is going on. And our energy and even little movements do influence others. We are responsible for taking care of the details about ourselves.

Lesson #1: You can only lead others and a department when you know how to lead yourself. Be aware of a responsibility that asks for your full character. Step back for a while and let others jump in. This is not about ego. It is the best for the greater good.

I asked during the next weeks, how the nurses split up their work with the parents of the children. The answer was surprising. I learned, that there are phases, where families are not able to visit their loved children. Or are never again capable of visiting. The divorce rate is higher with parents, who care for handicapped children. The sisters and brothers are often having mental issues, since it is incredible hard to keep up with everything. I understood. I understood what trauma does. No judgement, no right or wrong is applicable here. Nothing works, there is no normal. Things just are. And none of the nurses asked or complained about anything. They where just doing what the heart was telling them. They set aside every judgement. And supported the children, the parents, the sisters, the brothers.

Lesson #2 There is no normal. There is no right or wrong. Things just are. Don’t be judgemental. Your values don’t have to be right. Understand and feel. And you will suddenly know more than your mind can take.

When only the moment counts — this is full presence. I still get tears in my eyes, when I remember this precious tiny little moments, where you could see a tiny smile, a laughter, or when it was even possible for some children to visit a place outside. The people there turned around the world for their little residents. And they protected families. They did much more for society. They did it out of love. Aristotle makes his point about living a happy life. One of his points is about contributing and giving back to society. I don’t say it is right that care has so less financial recognition in Germany. And when we take this what people do for our society in situations about life and death — who are we to ask for every tiny little bonus and increment for doing small things additionally, where manager mostly get well paid. Who are we to complain? We should better ask, what we can give back.

Lesson #3 Leaders don’t do it by transaction. They do it for the greater good. They create more value instead of exchanging time for money. They are humble, they know when to take a step back.

I had no idea, how much in love I would be with the job I had for this 6 months. The nurses taught me more than I could ever expect. Their trust in life and me is still present in my heart. How much joy and beauty you can create when every single moment counts. What changes when you understand, that things are endless and you can make a difference in the days left. Also, emotions can be so different from what we expect. We never have to be scared. Things are differently when you are there. There is a new room opening up, when you just allow your heart to walk through. Yes there might be tears, desperation switching in a second to pure love and humour, switching to grief in the next second. It shows you, what is important. And what isn’t. And how tiny we are when we face life and death. And how less we know about and how much we assume. We are all connected. Our spirits grow in deep relationships.

Lesson #4 Our fears try to control things. but know, that things are different when you are there. There is more than we know. When we allow people and life to surprise us. When we dare to truly connect to each other. With our deeds, our heart and our soul.

I am serious when I am saying: Every true leader should go on a journey, where other things than excel or business talk count. Every leader should learn to feel, what it means to be responsible for people. Every leader should think about how to give back. How privileged we are in such a role. And what truly counts and why we try to ensure a sustainable stable business, that respects peoples’ lifes and challenges. You never know. Until you start to understand.